How to recognise when it’s time to seek help, and how/why prioritising mental health leads to success
What does success mean to you and are you really on the path to getting there?
We all have conditioned ideas of what success includes – influenced by society, culture, parents and education. A great job title, financial stability and finding a partner as you edge into your thirties and begin planning a family and perhaps a mortgage are often seen as western ideals of success. Without even realising it your ambitious teenage values can be eroded over time to make you think these exact markers of success are what you want.
I spoke to a senior partner in a law firm recently and asked, what’s it like to make it to partner? Lawyers can work tirelessly day and night over many years to finally achieve this accolade and I was curious about the relief or celebration in reaching this level of success. He said, well to be honest I haven’t really celebrated. It was such a lengthy process that it was hard to really notice when I’d ‘achieved it’. Also, I just work more now and have to look after other people’s work’.
How often do we think success or achievement will feel a certain way and then realise it’s just a stepping stone to the next thing, exhausted and burnt out in our quest to arrive. We may scale a startup successfully and then look around to realise we’re unhealthy and all alone, we may be the most senior in our business at the expense of our relationship with a spouse or children, we may focus on the wellbeing agenda in our business (yes even a noble cause) only to find compassion fatigue or health issues and burnout in the process.
I want to firstly challenge what success means to us and how we measure it – it’s much better to build a fence at the top of the mountain than a hospital at the bottom after all. In a post-pandemic, hybrid world, the future of work alongside advances in technology must radically change in order to enable us to sustain success at work long term, which means the very fundamentals of how we view success must shift.
Now I’m ambitious myself and love achieving goals. I’m not talking about bubble-bath wellbeing where we relinquish our desire to achieve and sit around singing kumbaya around campfires – I’m talking about altering the systems and our approach to success which are leading to record amounts of depression, anxiety and burnout – where we crash out and are unable to feel the joy of those successes in the first place.
So here’s some ideas on how to measure your own success and I’m sure you’ll be able to think of more:
- Work fulfilment and joy alongside titles and money
- A safe environment for true creativity rather than targets with no space to breathe
- A feeling of belonging and tribe rather than competition and passive aggression
- Physical and mental health to enable you to achieve success long term
- Relationships – with people who see the real you and value your journey as much as your outcomes
Whatever measures enable you to live a good life, those are the ones to include. You can use the deathbed exercise here. I know, I know it sounds dark, but it can be really effective. Imagine yourself at the end of your life many years from now and look back at the life you lived – what would make you feel successful then?
Now for many of us we wait until our hand is forced before looking at these questions closely. We descend into addiction like I did or we avoid or numb in other ways – until the cracks begin to show. Burnout, suicidal thoughts, depression or debilitating anxiety can all be bits of information to help us ask the tough questions and live a life more aligned with our values. And sometimes, we need a little help to get through these tough times.
Ideally we learn to pre-empt those crash points and learn from our past by putting tools in place to support us before we are desperate and can’t move forward without help. Noticing your early warning signs is an important skill that can enable us to do this. We’re all different of course but your warning signs might be physical (migraines, back pain, poor sleep, exhaustion) or they may be more mental (anxious thinking, inner emptiness, lack of compassion or joy in things that once worked fine). Displacing our stress onto those close to us is another warning sign. When we’re building up our stress at work for example, all the while behaving in a professional manner but as soon as our attention turns to our family or housemate/partner, the slightest annoyance makes us blow up or snap – your body is telling you something! You’re on edge and need to reflect and check yourself to get back on track. Road rage is another clue!
People often ask, but when should I ask for help, how bad should it get?
When I got divorced some years ago, even though it was my decision and the right one, because I know my history and that change can sometimes be triggering, I checked in with a therapist to just offer me a little backup during a big transition. Asking for backup as a matter of course is a practice that takes bravery and is a skill we develop over time – this way, when the big stuff happens we’re already well-versed at being open and asking for help.
Asking for help doesn’t always look like using the sentence ‘please can you help me’ – it looks like a lot of other things. It’s firstly beginning to understand your own needs and that it’s ok to get backup whether practically or emotionally. This is often the first really big hurdle. It’s surrounding yourself with people who are honest and collaborative – this also is a really big deal as so many people wear masks all the time and pretend they are cool when really they are struggling on the inside.
For me, after spiralling in alcohol addiction and finding myself in a recovery room, my first step was observing people being honest. I had no idea this was a thing people could genuinely do without shame or fear of reprisal. These were of course desperate people who knew being honest was the only thing that would get them on a new path and so they spoke – messy, brutal and true words and first I just watched. Then slowly I would say small things, tears and snot, trying to find words for the mess that had built up inside me. Overtime I started getting honest in small ways outside of those rooms. And now, after building the skill I can be honest on stage in front of hundreds of people.
So practise honesty today. You may find you’re surprised that if you’re brave enough to take the first step, your friends or colleagues might just say, me too and feel the relief of connection.
Of course sometimes we need additional support from a manager, coach or therapist. These are catch all terms for a whole range of types of coaching and therapy that is out there – it can be a real experiment to find what suits you at different times of your life so it helps to have friends and networks where you can sense check your experience. Asking for help can look like saying, I’m going through this thing right now and I just need a sounding board and some ideas of things to try. It can be asking a partner to look after the kids so you have this space or a colleague to cover for you so you can take a break or unfortunately, it could look like collapse. Ultimately you are responsible for your mental and physical health – no therapist or coach can fix or change you (sorry to break the news!).
This may be a challenging thought but truly, you will need to do the work to challenge your thinking and take action in a way that enables you to a have a life filled with genuine and full success – your new version of it. Professionals can be a sounding board and hold up a mirror to your own thoughts and limiting behaviour and of course offer you tools to try. . They can suggest medication or a different lifestyle but it’s still down to you to weigh up the pros and cons and decide to change your life, hopefully while there’s still plenty of time to enjoy those efforts.
We think the small things barely make a difference until we look back and notice the compounding effect of investing in ourselves over the long term. So remember:
- Practise honesty – this is a skill that could save your life
- Learn to understand your own needs and how to communicate them
- Collaborate with your manager or other professionals to invest in your success long term
And remember, if you’re ambitious like me that’s great! I love working hard to achieve my goals, speak on stage, write books and run my business as well as have a healthy relationship and raise a couple of teenagers. I love a full life! But it’s my full life, the type connected to my values and the joy I want everyday not just at the end goal. What is your successful life?
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